jtmtzrwj: tumblr.ants

tv addict and
comic book nerd.

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EMail@JunkMail.COM # 34


LADY: Doc, meron po akong brownish discharge. Parang na-infect.
DR : Gaano kadalas ka mag sex?
LADY: Once a year po.
DR : Ahh, hindi yan infection, KALAWANG YAN!!

GIRL: Ang puti ng bird mo!
BOY : Abasyempre! Likas papaya ata gamit ko dyan!
GIRL: Ginagamitan mo din ba ng downy?
BOY : Bakit, bango ba?
GIRL: Lambot eh!

GMA: Ano bang hinahanap mo dyan sa 3 in 1 coffee mo at kanina ka pa silip nang silip dyan?
Erap: Hinahanap ko yung libreng asukal! May nakasulat kasi na “Sugarfree.”
GMA: Bobo! Banda yun!

Bitoy: Dagul, bakit ang pandak mo?
Dagul: Kasi, bata pa lang ako, ulila na ako.
Bitoy: Anong kaugnayan nun sa pagiging pandak mo?
Dagul: Sira pala ulo mo! Wala ngang nagpalaki sa akin!

Mister: kung marunong ka lang sanang maglaba, eh di nkakatipid sana tayo ng P2000 sa maid..
Misis: hmmph! kung ikaw magaling sa kama , eh di nakatipid tayo ng P7500 sa driver!

Doc: Kambal anak mo, sister mo nagbigay ng names?
Ina: Eh tanga yun doc, ano pinangalan sa mga anak ko?
Doc: Sa girl, DENICE.
Ina: Aba, ok yun! Eh sa boy?
Doc: DENEPHEW…

Son: Ma, bakit kayo tumatalbog sa ibabaw ni Daddy?
Mom: Wala anak, pinapaliit ko lang tiyan ng Daddy mo.
Son: Nye! Mapapagod ka lang kasi hinihipan din uli yan ni yaya!

A black baby was given a pair of wings by a fairy….
Baby: Does this mean im an angel??
Fairy: (laughs) Of course not! negrang ‘to, ambisyosa! Paniki ka!

Doc: Iho, bakit mo naman sinapak yung lalaki kanina?
Boy: Eh Doc, nakita niya na ninenerbyos ako sa resulta ng AIDS test! Tapos sasabihin pa niya… THINK POSITIVE pare!

In a petshop…
Customer: Hoy! can you speak ha? Can you speak? BOBO!
Parrot: Yes, I can! Ikaw? Can you fly, ha? Can you fly? GAGO!

Bigo sa pag-ibig??
Maghanap na lang ng….
KUBA - mapagkumbaba
PILAY - di ka tatakbuhan
BULAG - la paki sa looks
PIPI - di nagbibitiw ng bad words.
at eto the best….
DULING - di ka hahayaan mag-isa!

Magkaibigan kumakain….
Pedro: Anong palaman ng tinapay mo?
Juan: Kiso!
Pedro: Kiso? Ano ka ba nakakahiya ka! Hindi yan kiso! Chess yan.. CHESS!!

Anong tawag sa uod na nasa gitna ng kalsada??…
Eh di matapang!!

Baliw 1: Bakit ang airplane, pag umiikot ang elisi, umaangat sa lupa? Bakit ung bintilador kahit umiikot, nasa mesa pa rin?
Baliw 2: Tanga ka pala ek! Kasi yung bintilador may kurdon, pinipigilan yon!

Pari: Sister, ikaw ba ang nasa CR? Kunin ko lang toothbrush ko.
Sister: Sandali, naka-panty lang ako.
Pari: Ok, antay ako.
Sister: Pasok na. Wala na ako panty!

3 Baliw sa Mental nagku2wentuhan. ..
B1: Ako presidente dito!
B2: Wala ka sa akin! Ako si Bush, presidente sa America !
B1: Sino nagsabi?
B2: Ang Diyos!
B3: At kelan kita sinabihan?

Prof: who among you experienced having sex with a ghost?
Juan raised his hand…
Prof: Really? How does it feel to have sex with a Ghost?
Juan: Ay pucha! Akala ko goats!!

Q: Bakit tahimik magbukas ng medicine ang tanga??…..
A: Ayaw niyang magising ang mga sleeping pills..

Teacher: Jigs, ano susunod sa 7?
Jigs: 8 po!
Teacher: Sa 2?
Jigs: 3 po!
Teacher: Ang galing mo! Sino nagturo sayo?
Jigs: Tatay ko po!
Teacher: O sige, ano susunod sa 10?
Jigs: Jack po!

Nasa bubong ang sakristan namboboso sa pari at madre…..
Madre: Pa’no pag nabuntis ako??
Pari: Bahala na ang nasa itaas!
Sakristan: Putcha, bakit ako? Nanonood lang naman ako dito ah.


EMail@JunkMail.COM # 33


There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand. This virus is called Weary-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.


EMail@JunkMail.COM # 32


Dear Mr. Bob Ong,

Matagal ko na pong nililigawan itong ramp model na stage actress na nakilala ko recently sa isang party. Nasisiraan na ako ng bait. Pag nakilala mo siya, tiyak matutunaw ang utak mo sa kakaisip sa kanya.

Hingi lang po ako ng advice. Paano ko po siya mapapaibig? Bibigyan ko ba siya ng tula ? Haharanahin ko ba siya? Roses? Kalachuchi? Chocnut at sampaguita?

In lab na po ako. Ano po ang gagawin ko? Is she the one.

Lubos na gumagalang,
- Bartolome -

————————————————————

Dear Bartolome,

Hindi ka talaga sasagutin niyang nililigawan mo. Napaka-old school kasi ng mga tactics mo. Wala nang gumagawa ng ganyan. Sa panahon ngayon, lahat ng bagay, nagtaas na. Nagtaas na ang gasolina, nagtaas na ang presyo ng bigas at mga bilihin, nagtaas na ang pamasahe, at lalong nagtaas na rin ng standards ang mga babae. Hindi na uubra yang siopao at kalachuci mo. Lalo na yung huli mong binigay, hopia at santan. Ano ba pare? Ano’ng era ka ba pinanganak?

Pero don’t worry. It’s not too late. May pag-asa ka pa.. Hindi pa naman siya kinakasal at di pa niya sinasagot yung crush niya na basketball player. Kahit lamang siya ng sampung paligo sa’yo, daanin mo sa utak at creativity. Dahil aminin na natin, iyon na lang talaga ang pag-asa mo. Heto, bibigyan kita ng mga simple, tried and tested na mga regalo para di siya mapurga sa hopia at siomai. Sundin mo ‘to, tiyak na lalaglag ang bagang niya sa’yo. Mga medyo more than your usual regalong panligaw:

1. Bili ka ng century tuna. Ilagay mo sa isang napakalaking box-yung sinlaki ng TV o kaya box ng desktop PC mo. Tapos balutan mo ng magarang pambalot.. Kuntsabahin mo na yung teacher niya sa Calculus. Sa gitna ng klase, bigla kang kumatok sa classroom. Pero dapat, incognito ka. Magsuot ka ng LBC jacket, magshades, at magsuot ng surgical mask. Pagpasok mo sa classroom, iabot mo yung box sa teacher, at papirmahin mo ng acknowledgement receipt. Tapos pabuksan mo in front of everyone. Tignan mong mabuti ang reaction sa mukha niya. Later during the day, pag tinanong niya kung bakit Century Tuna ang binigay mo, iikot mo yung lata at ituro mo yung sign na “Omega 8.” Pag tinanong niya kung ano yung Omega 8, sabihin mo: “because you’re good for my heart.”

2. Mangolekta ka ng isang dosenang hanger na libre mong nakukuha tuwing nagpapa-dry clean ka. Tapos, sa bawat hanger, isulat mo: “I miss hanging out with you.”

3. Instead of roses, kuha ka ng tissue paper sa banyo ng school mo. Gawin mong tissue paper roses. Gawa ka ng isang dosena. Pag-abot mo, sabihin mo, “Ganito kalinis ang pag-ibig ko sa’yo.”

4. Bili ka ng tetra pack ng mantikang Minola. Tapos bilugan mo yung “with Omega 8.” Hindi na siya magtatanong kung bakit.

5. Bigyan mo ng ice cream cone. Dapat cone lang at walang ice cream. Pag hinanap niya yung ice cream, sabihin mo, “natunaw na kakatitig sa’yo.”

6. Bili ka ng sandosenang box ng crayola. Kolektahin mo lahat ng black. Lagay mo sa isang box ng crayola. Sa likod, isulat mo: “Walang kulay ang buhay kung wala ka.”

7. Bigyan mo siya ng mumurahing bumbilya. Alam mo na siguro by this time kung ano ang isasagot pag tinanong niya kung bakit. (para sa mga hindi maka-“gets”, kapag tinanong ka, ang sagot mo ay, “sapagkat, ikaw lamang ang tanging ilaw at liwanag sa buhay ko”, o kaya naman ay, “you light up my life”…

8. I-text mo siya ng: “Hindi tayo tao, hindi tayo hayop, hindi tayo halaman. Bagay tayo. Bagay!”

9. Bigyan mo siya ng calling card ng MMDA. Sa likod, isulat mo “para pag nagkabanggaan ang puso natin.”

10. Padalhan mo ng Happy Meal pero huwag mong ibibigay yung libreng laruan. Paghinanap niya, sabihin mo: “Ako yung freebie, at ikaw yung meal na nagpapahappy sa’kin.”

11. Sunugin ang kanyang bahay at padalhan ng hallmark card: “aanhin mo pa ang bahay mo, kung matagal ka nang nakatira sa puso ko”

12. Pagatapos sunugin ang kanyang bahay, padalhan siya ng isang box ng posporo, Guitar brand. unahan ang kanyang galit at sabihin, “ayan ang posporo na ginamit ko sa pagsunog ng iyong bahay, match na tayo”

13. Sa kalagitnaan ng isang malupit na bagyo, pasalubungan sya ng “salbabida”, wag payong, o mainit na mami. Pag nagtanong bakit? ang isagot mo ay ” ayaw kong malunod ka sa pag mamahal ko.”

14. Pag pumayag na siyang makipagdate, dalhin mo siya sa canteen at huwag bibitawan ang kamay. Pag tinanong niya kung bakit, ituro mo yun sign na “don’t leave your valuables unattended”

Handang tumulong lagi,
-Bob Ong-


EMail@JunkMail.COM # 31


Below is Dr. Phil ‘s test. (Dr. Phil scored 55; he did this test on Oprah - she got a 38.) Some folks pay a lot of money to find this stuff out!

Read on, this is very interesting! Don’t be overly sensitive! The following is pretty accurate and it only takes 2 minutes. Take this test for yourself and send it to your friends. The person who sent it placed their score in the e-mail subject box. Please do the same before forwarding to your friends (send it back to the person who sent it to you.) Don’t peek, but begin the test as you scroll down and answer. Answers are for who you are now —- not who you were in the past. Have pen or pencil and paper ready.

This is a real test given by the Human Relations Dept. at many of the major corporations today. It helps them get better insight concerning their employees and prospective employees. It’s only 10 simple questions, so grab a pencil and paper, keeping track of your letter answers to each question. Ready?

Begin.

1. When do you feel your best?
(a) in the morning
(b) during the afternoon and early evening
(c) late at night

2. You usually walk…
(a) fairly fast, with long steps
(b) fairly fast, with little steps
(c) less fast, head up, looking the world in the face
(d) less fast, head down
(e) very slowly

3. When talking to people you…
(a) stand with your arms folded
(b) have your hands clasped
(c) have one or both your hands on your hips
(d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking
(e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair

4. When relaxing, you sit with…
(a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side
(b) your legs crossed
(c) your legs stretched out or straight
(d) one leg curled under you

5.When something really amuses you, you react with…
(a) big appreciated laugh
(b) a laugh, but not a loud one
(c) a quiet chuckle
(d) a sheepish smile

6. When you go to a party or social gathering you…
(a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you
(b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know
(c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed

7. You’re working very hard, concentrating hard, and you’re interrupted…
(a) welcome the break
(b) feel extremely irritated
(c) vary between these two extremes

8. Which of the following colors do you like most?
(a) Red or orange
(b) black
(c) yellow or light blue
(d) green
(e) dark blue or purple
(f) white
(g) brown or gray

9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep you are…
(a) stretched out on your back
(b) stretched out face down on your stomach
(c) on your side, slightly curled
(d) with your head on one arm
(e) with your head under the covers

10. You often dream that you are…
(a) falling
(b) fighting or struggling
(c) searching for something or somebody
(d) flying or floating
(e) you usually have dreamless sleep
(f) your dreams are always pleasant

POINTS:
1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6 
2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1
3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e ) 6 
4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1 
5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2 
6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2 
7. (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4 
8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1 
9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1 
10. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1

Now add up the total number of points. I scored a 32

OVER 60 POINTS: Others see you as someone they should ‘handle with care.’ You’re seen as vain, self-centered, and who is extremely dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don’t always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.

51 TO 60 POINTS: Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, who’s quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventures ome, someone who will try anything once; someone who take s chances and enjoys an a dventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.

41 TO 50 POINTS: Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who’s constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who’ll always cheer them up and help them out.

31 TO 40 POINTS: Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful & practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who’s extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you re alize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over if that trust is ever broken .

21 TO 30 POINTS: Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature.

UNDER 21 POINTS: People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions & who does n’t want to get involved wi th anyone or anything! They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don’t exist. Some people think you’ re boring. Only those who know you well know that you aren’t.

Now forward this to others. Please and put your score in the subject box of your e-mail , like this: Dr. Phil ‘s Test, I’m a 32 


EMail@JunkMail.COM # 30


BATANG 90’s KA BA?

1. Masaya ka kapag naglalaro ka ng Tex at Pog. Kadalasan ang design dito ay yung mga palabas sa TV, mga drama o kaya anime, may dialogue pa. lol.

2. May comics pa ang bazooka. Kahit di mo maintindihan yung Fortune Cookie sa huli ay collection mo pa rin yun.

3. Uso pa yung tirador, yung gawa talaga sa sanga ng puno.

4. Ang mga babae naglalaro ng paper dolls na tigpipiso bawat isang set sa sari-sari store.

5. Kung lalake ka, siguradong may pellet gun ka.

6. Humihingi ka ng dalawang piso sa magulang mo para maglaro ng video arcade sa sari-sari store. Favorite mo yung Sonic, Mario at Street Fighter at Tetris.

7. Nagwa-watusi ka kapag New Year kahit pinapagalitan ka ng nanay mo.

8. Meron kang sapatos na umiilaw yung swelas kapag iniaapak mo. Mas sikat kung iba-iba yung kulay.

9. Merong at least isang Chicago Bulls na shirt sa bahay nyo. Madalas number 23 pa yung nakalagay.

10. Pinapatulog ka ng yaya/nanay mo tuwing tanghali o hapon para raw lumaki. Hindi na kasi pinapatulog ang mga bata ngayon tuwing tanghali di tulad nung panahon natin.

11. Sinasabihan ka ng matatanda na may lalabas na pari o bigas sa sugat mo kapag hindi nilagyan ng alcohol pero in the end, betadine lang ang magpapatahimik sa inyo.

12. Kung babae ka, nagkaroon ka ng butterfly hairclips/rings. (si Jolina ang nagpauso nito.) haha.

13. Kung medyo may pera ang pamilya nyo, nagpabili ka ng Polly Pocket.

14. Naglalagay ka ng Kisses (yung mabango) sa pencil case mo, o kaya sa isang lalagyan na may bulak, alcohol at tinutusok ng karayom para mabilis manganak.

15. May free stickers ng Disney movies sa loob ng Maggi noodles.

16. Pinapatunog mo yung takip ng Gatorade.

17. Ang mga stationeries na uso: Papemelroti, Tsukuba, Sashikibuta. Pwedeng ibenta, pwedeng trade lang.

18. Pampalipas oras mo dati ang paglalaro ng Brick Game, at swerte yung mga may advanced version na may tumatagos na blocks para mapuno na yung gap sa loob. Mas advanced ka kung Tamagotchi ang nilalaro mo. Pinapakain mo, pinapatulog mo, at inililibing mo kung namatay na. At kung talagang kaya nyong bumili, Game Boy ang sayo. Pero kung wala ka talaga, yung laruan na lang na may tubig sa loob tapos dapat ma-shoot mo yung mga bilog sa stick na maliit.

19. Bago magsimula ang klase, nakikilaro ka muna sa 10-20, jackstone, langit lupa, ice water, taguan, dr. quack quack, tumbang preso, pepsi seven up at agawan base. Di bale nang madumi na ang uniform mo pagpasok ng classroom.

20. Sinasabi mo sa kaklase mo na “Liars go to hell” kapag tingin mo nagsisinungaling sya. “Cross my heart, hope to die” kapag nangangako ka. “Period no erase” kapag gusto mo walang kumontra sayo. Kaya lang wala kang lusot kapag sinabi ng kaklase mo na “Akin yung factory ng pambura”.

21. Sikat ka pag ang pencil case mo nabubuksan sa dalawang side tapos maraming attachments like magnifying lens, book stand, compartments na maliliit tapos push button pa. Minsan sa ibabaw ng pencil case meron pang maze, may maliit na silver na bola tapos itatagilid mo yung pencil case para gumulong yun, hanggang sa matapos yung maze.

22. Di ka baduy kung ang notebook mo nung elementary ay may mukha ng artista.

23. Sa coolman mo inilalagay ang tubig na baon mo sa school.

24. Nagpabili ka ng Baby-G sa magulang mo.

25. Elementary ka nung nauso ang pager. Yun pa ang pinapangarap ng mga bata, hindi pa cell phone.

26. Meron ka pa rin ng pinakamalaking cell phone na nakatago na ngayon sa mga kahon.

27. Wala pang PS/PS2, XBox, Wii, atbp. noon. Family Computer pa lang, yung cartridge yung bala. Usong laro ang Mario Bros., Battle City at Rambo.

28. Meron ka ng isa sa mga ito: Family Computer, Nintendo, Sega, roller blades, brick game, Tamagochi, Swatch Watch w/ matching guard, Troll collection.

29. Alam mo ang mga linyang ito sa mga kanta: “Natatawa ako, hi hi hi hi”, “Anong paki mo sa long hair ko”, “Dahil sa bawal na gamot”, “Mga kababayan ko, bilib ako sa kulay ko”.

30. Isa dito ay theme song mo: “I Swear” by All 4 One, “What’s Up” by 4 Non Blondes (And I say, Hey ey ey ey ey ey. I said hey, What’s goin on!), “Zombie” by Cranberries.

31. Sumasayaw ka ng Macarena.

32. Alam mo ang kanta ng Spice Girls at may favorite ka sa kanila. Kung fan ka talaga, may poster ka pa at casette tape ka pa nila.

33. Malamang ay naging fanatic ka ng isa sa mga sumikat na boy bands.

34. Ang tinutugtog lagi sa radyo ay mga kanta ng mga banda gaya ng Eraserheads, Parokya ni Edgar nung nagpapalda pa lang sila, Alamid, Rivermaya, True Faith, The Youth, Afterimage at kung anu-ano pang pinoy bands.

35. Tape pa ang uso, di CD or MP3 players. Pag gusto mo yung kanta kailangan tantyahin mo kung ilang seconds i-rewind yun para mabilis paulit-ulitin.

36. Kinakanta nyo dati sa school yung “Heal the World”, “Tell the World of His Love”, “Jubilee Song”, etc.

37. Nanonood ka dati ng Power Rangers, Captain Planet o Ninja Turtles. Nagkukunyari pa kayo ng mga kaibigan mo na kayo yun at nagkakasipaan kayo.

38. Di ka papagalitan ng magulang kahit magbabad ka sa TV, basta ang pinapanood mo ay Hiraya Manawari, Bayani at Sine Skwela, kung saan nakilala mo sila Teacher Waki, Ugat Puno, Palikpik, at ang buong barkada nila lalo na kapag nakasakay sila sa space ship o sa jeep na lumilipad.

39. Sinubaybayan mo ang Ghost Fighter at ang Dragon Ball. Naging favorite mo si Eugene at si Goku.

40. Niloloko mo yung theme song ng Voltes V kasi di mo maintindihan yung theme song: “Tato ni Ara Mina malaking cobra…”, “Boltes Payb lima sila, pumunta sa kubeta…”, “…Kontra Bulate!”

41. Napanood mo din yung ibang anime tulad ng Shaider, Sailormoon, Daimos at Maskman. Saulo mo pa nga yung kanta dun: “Oh maskuman kayo ang pag-asa.. Iligtas kami sa marahas na kadiliman… Kami inyong ipaglaban! Sugod, sugod laban maskuman, ipaglaban nyo ang katarungan.. Sige, sige laban maskuman..”

42. Sinubaybayan mo ang Sarah ang Munting Prinsesa, Julio at Julia, at Cedi. Pinanood mo pa nga yung movie version ng Sarah ang Munting Prinsesa with Camille Prats.

43. Alam mo din yung “Ang Pulubi at ang Prinsesa” with Camille Prats and Angelica Panganiban.

44. Gusto mong sumali sa ANG TV. Pero alam mong hindi na pwede. kaya kuntento ka na lang sa panonood nito tuwing 4:30 ng hapon.

45. Batibot ang usong palabas. Akala mo nga mag-dyowa o mag-asawa sina Kuya Bodjie at Ate Sheena.

46. Alam mo yung tono ng pinausong kanta ng show na “ATBP.”: Isa.. dalawa-tatlo.. apat-lima.. anim-pito-walo.. syam-sampu… labingisa-labingdalawa… labingtatlo… labingapat-labinglima…

47. Napanood mo ang Batang X.

48. Sabay kayo nanonood ng yaya mo ng Marimar.

49. Nanonood ka ng kahit alin dito: “Okay Ka Fairy Ko”, “Oki Doki Doc”, “Abangan ang Susunod na Kabanata”, “Palibhasa Lalake”, “Ober da Bakod”, at “Home Along Da Riles”

50. Galit ka kay Clara kasi sobra naman talaga sya mang-api kay Mara.

51. Pinanood mo din yung “Villa Quintana”, “Esperanza”, “Anakarenina” atbp.

52. Mga love teams na nagpakilig sayo: Juday and Wowie. Jolina and Marvin.

53. Alam mo yung commercial ng Tender Juicy hotdog na ganito: “Dear diary, Carlo sat beside me today. He’s so cute! Sabi niya I’m pretty kaya lang I’m fat.”

54. Kinakanta mo yung “Thank God it’s Sabado, pati na rin Linggo…” at “Isa pa, isa pa, isa pang Chicken Joy”.

55. Nasa channel 2 pa ang Eat Bulaga at ang Mel and Jay.

56. Nakikita mo sa balita na may mga kultong nagtatago na sa kweba, kasi magugunaw na ang mundo sa year 2000, at yung mga computer daw bigla na lang mag-shu-shut down at mawawala na daw ang technology.

57. Chinese variety shows ang palabas tuwing umaga ng linggo.

58. Matapang ka kung napanood mo lahat ng Shake, Rattle and Roll movies.

59. Narinig mong i-announce sa radyo yung death ni Princess Diana. Biglang nauso yung kanta ni Elton John na “Goodbye, England’s Rose.”

60. Nasa VHS yung mga movies na pinapanood ninyo sa bahay.

61. Kung babae ka, naging crush mo si Leonardo di Caprio dahil sa Titanic. Kaya nga lang, bawal ka pa tumingin sa kissing scenes nina Jack at Rose.


EMail@JunkMail.COM # 29


Here are some cool HALLOWEEN costumes:


EMail@JunkMail.COM # 28


PICK-UP LINES

1. Minamalat na naman ang puso ko..
*** paano kasi, laging sinisigaw ang pangalan mo..

2. Ikaw ba may-ari ng Crayola??
*** ikaw kasi nagbibigay ng kulay sa buhay ko..

3. Uy papicture tayo!!
*** para ma-develop tayo!!

4. Kung ikaw ay bola at ako ang player, mashushoot ba kita??
*** hinde, para lagi kita mamimiss..

5. Can i take your picture??
*** coz i want to show Santa exactly what i want for Christmas!!

6. Exam ka ba??
*** gustong gusto na kasi kitang i-take home eh!!

7. Lecture mo ba ako??
*** lab kasi kita..

8. Centrum ka ba??
*** kasi you make my life complete!!

9. Miss pwede ba kita maging driver??
*** para ikaw na magpapatakbo ng buhay ko..

10. Mahilig ka ba sa asukal??
*** ang tamis kasi ng mga ngiti mo..

11. Pinaglihi ka ba sa keyboard??
*** kasi type kita..

12. I hate to say this but… You are like my underwear..
*** coz i can’t last a day without you!!

13. Ibibili kita ng salbabida..
*** kasi malulunod ka sa pagmamahal ko..

14. Pwede ba kitang maging sidecar??
*** single kasi ako eh..

15. Me lisensya ka ba??
*** coz you’re driving me crazy eh..

16. May kilala ka bang gumagawa ng relo??
*** may sira ata relo ko.. pag ikaw kasi kasama ko, humihinto ang oras ko..

17. Grabe nakakatawa yung mga pick-up lines noh?? hahaha! May alam ka pa bang iba?? Wala na akong maisip eh..
*** coz all i ever think of is you..

18. I’m a bee..
*** can you be my honey??

19. Nakakatakot diba ang multo??
*** pero mas nakakatakot kapag nawala ka sa buhay ko..

20. Am i a bad shooter??
*** coz i keep on missing you..

22. Naniniwala ka ba sa love at first sight??
*** Oh gusto mong dumaan ulit ako??

23. Mabilis ka siguro sa mga puzzle noh??
*** kasi kakasimula pa lang ng araw ko, pero nabuo mo na agad..

24. Excuse me.. Are you a dictionary??
*** because you give meaning to my life..

25. Bangin ka ba??
*** nahuhulog kasi ako sa’yo..

26. Pustiso ka ba??
*** kasi, can’t smile without you..

27. Pagod na pagod ka na noh??
*** maghapon kana kasing tumatakbo sa isipan ko eh..

28. Me butas ba puso mo??
*** kasi natrap na ako sa loob, can’t find my way out!!

29. Anung height mo??
*** ha?? pano ka nagkasya sa loob ng puso ko..

30. Hey, did you fart??
*** coz you blew me away!!

31. Sana “T” na lang ako..
*** para i’m always right next to “U”

32. Are you Jamaican??
*** kasi Ja-maican me crazy!!

33. Nde tayo tao.. Nde tayo hayop.
*** BAGAY tayo. BAGAY tlga tayo.

34. Ako ay isang exam..
*** kaya sagutin mo na ako…

35. Favorite Subject mo ba geometry
*** kasi kahit saang angle ka tignan ang ganda mo eh!


EMail@JunkMail.COM # 27


SIR: Inday, c Sir mo 2..bangga kotse ko and i nid cash!
INDAY: Aru!!! dugo-dugo gang ka noh!
SIR: Gaga! c Sir mo talaga to!
INDAY: Gago! c Sir ang tawag saken CUPCAKE!!!!

Dalawang magkaibigan nagtetext….
PEPE: Tol! pasa load namn! 2pesos lang, my katx lng me.
Tol: cge. w8 lng. (message sent)
Pepe: Tnx tol! bait mo talaga!
Tol: Gago! wag ka na magtex! sayang ung pinasa ko sayo!!!
Pepe: k.

Dumating c ngongo sa bahay at tinakpan ang eyes ni misis…
Ngongo: “nges hu?”….
MRS: gago!!!! pa-nges hu nges hu ka pa jan….e ikaw lng ngongo d2!!!!

Dentist to his Lover….
Dentist: we have 2 stop seeing each other…
Halata na tayo ng MR mo.
Lover: but we love each other!
Dentist: oo nga…but were running out of excuses….ISA NA LANG IPIN MO!

Jingoy: Dad, totoo bang may side effect ang viagra?
Erap: tanga! sa harap effect nyan hindi sa side!!!!

u wont beliv wat things people do these days… i was sitting nxt 2 dis girl in church & in the middle of the mass she lights a cigaret! na-shock ako!!!!… i almost dropped my Beer!!!!

Parishioner: Father bakit may nakasampay na daster, bra at panty sa may kumbento? may asawa ka?
Father: Kung aasa ako sa mga donasyon nyo, di ako mabubuhay! Tumatanggap akong labada!

GF: I’m warning you! darating na si daddy within 1 hour!
BF: Eh ano ngayon? eh wala naman tayong ginagawang masama ah!
GF: Kaya nga! kung may plano ka, DALIAN MO NA!!!

Nun: I was raped… what shall i do?
Mother Superior: Hir, take this calamansi.
Nun: wil dis ease d pain?
Mother Superior: sipsipin mo! at ng mawala ang ngiti sa mukha mo , Bwiseeet!!!

Anak : Nay? bakit po VICTORIA ang name ni ate?
Nanay : Kasi anak dun namin siya ginawa ng itay mo…
Anank : Eh bakit si kuya, ANITO?
Nanay : Ay naku, tumigil ka na nga Luneta at baka mapalo kita! tawagin mo na si kuya FX mo!

HONEYMOON:
Wife: Hon wag mo ako bibiglain ha? I’m still a virgin
Husband: You mean ako ang una?
Wife: Yes, do it na.
Husband: I did it na, kanina pa!!
Wife: ah ganon ba? Aray pala!

Ama: Buntis anak ko, panagutan mo!
BF: May asawa na po ako!
Ama: Pano ‘to?
BF: Areglo na lang po… 2 M pag Boy, 2.5M pag Girl
Ama: Ok, pero pag nakunan. GIB HER ANADER CHANS ha?

Maid: Sir, sinong mas yummy? si mam po ba o ako?
Sir: Syempre naman ikaw day! bakit?
Maid: Naguguluhan lang po kasi ako eh…sabi kasi ng driver, eh mas yummy daw talaga si mam!

Wife: Dear, ano regalo mo sa 25th Anniversary natin?
Husband: Dalhin kita sa Africa …
Wife: Wow! How sweet naman… eh! sa 50th Anniversary natin?
Husband: Susunduin na kita!

BUS HINOLDAP!
Holdaper: re-reypin ko lahat ng babae dito!
Prosti: ako na lang po, maawa kayo sa iba..
Lola: Heh, sinabi na ngang LAHAT eh! sasagot pa! gagang ‘to!

Alam mo ba kung bakit may sabaw ang balot?
Kung Ikaw kaya ang ikulong sa shell… saan ka ji-jingle?
Aber?
Saan??
Sumagot kaaaa!!!
SaaaAANNNNNNN ?!?!?!

Farmer: lalaki na talaga ang aking anak kasi magsasaka na, “ano ang plano mong itanim sa sakahan mo anak?”
Anak: flowers papa! lots of Bongacious Flowers!!

Ama: Hoy! Huwag kang babakla bakla ha?
Anak: Hindi po Itay, pupunta nga ako ng basketbolan eh!
Ama: Yan! Astig!
Anak: Inay? nakita mo yung POMPOMS ko?
Ina: Alin? yung pink?

Misis: “Sir, mananawagan po sana ako sa mister ko kasi dinala niya ang limang anak namin.”
Radio Host: “Ok, go ahead!”
Misis: “Honey, ibalik mo na ang mga bata, isa lang naman ang sa yo diyan!”

Juan: San ka galing?
Pedro: Sa sementeryo, libing ng byenan ko.
Juan: E bakit puro kamot ang mukha at braso mo?
Pedro: Mahirap ilibing eh… Lumalaban!!

Two nurses on duty…
Nurse 1: Hoy! Gaga, bakit may thermometer sa tenga mo!
Nurse 2: Ha? susmaryosep! kaninong pwet ko kaya naiwan yung ballpen ko!!

Hari: Ano gusto mong parusa? ipakain sa leon o pasukan ng bubuyog sa pwet?
Pedro: Mas gugustuhin ko pong pasukan ng bubuyog sa pwet.
Hari: Mga kawal! ilabas si Jolibee!


EMail@JunkMail.COM # 26


HISTORY MYSTERY - Does history really repeats itself?

Have a history teacher explain this… if they can.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head

Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln ‘s secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy’s Secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln , was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln , was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Now hang on to your seat.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named ‘Ford’
Kennedy was shot in a car called ‘Lincoln’ made by ‘Ford’

Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here’s the kicker…

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.

Creepy huh? Send this to as many people as you can, cause:
Hey, this is one history lesson most people probably will not mind reading!


EMail@JunkMail.COM # 25


Nang sumali si inday sa deal or no deal…

KRIS: Magandang gabi mga kapamilya, sa gameshow na ito importante ang sagot sa nag-iisang katanungang Deal or no Deal. Ang ating player ngayong gabi ay walang iba kundi ang fastest-rising household services manager na si Inday!

[umentra si Inday at nagpalakpakan ang mga tao]

KRIS: Ok Inday, choose a briefcase.
INDAY: Kris, I would opt for case #4 please.
KRIS: Briefcase # 4… si Sharmel. Inday, matanong ko lang, how did you come up with the number 4?
INDAY: Oh, do you really want to know Kris?
KRIS: Oo naman. I’m sure kaya ko naman maintindihan yung sasabihin mo eh.
INDAY: The number 4 was acquired based on a probability distribution function that involves integrating up to an area greater than or equal to that random number which should be generated between 0 and 1 for proper distributions.
KRIS: Syet. tanong tanong pa kasi eh.

KRIS: Ok Inday, choose 6 briefcases to open.
INDAY: I would opt for 7, 24, 12, 2, 15 and 20.
KRIS: Wait lang Inday, usually isa isa lang ang pagbubukas natin ng case…
INDAY: Why is that? As if I can change the outcome if we’re to open a case each time I blurt out a number as opposed to opening each case immediately one after the other right?
KRIS: Hayyy…babaguhin pa talaga mechanics (bulong sa sarili).
KRIS: Anwyay, di bale na lang nga… tuloy tayo. Number 7. Natalie buksan na!!

[Yung audience sumisigaw ng LOWER!! LOWER!!!]

KRIS: Teka lang, bago natin buksan… Inday, usually ang mga contestants naten ay sumisigaw ng “LOWER” every time magbubukas ng case.
INDAY: Kris, I guess that’s not the way I was taught in grade school. You see, I was taught that we should only use the comparative form of the word or add “ER” to the adjective if we are comparing two things. And since it is only the first briefcase that we are going to open, we have nothing to compare it to. Am I right?

[natahimik ang audience at napaisip]

KRIS: Oo nga no!
KRIS: Sige Natalie, Buksan mo na.

[Ang laman ng briefcase 7 ay Piso… Palakpakan ang mga tao]

KRIS: Good start! Ano yung next case mo ulit?
INDAY: Case number 24 please.
KRIS: Chloe… buksan na…

[Audience sumisigaw ulit ng LOWER!! LOWER!!]

KRIS: Wait lang guys, Inday may nabuksan ng case baket di ka pa rin sumisigaw ng “Lower”?
INDAY: Oh my goodness Kris, how long have you been doing this? Have you ever encountered a value that is lower than a peso in this game? Tell me, is there any value left lower than the one we just opened? Sheesh.

[Napaisip ulit ang audience at natahimik]

KRIS: Aarrgghh!!!! Chloe buksan na lang nga, pati na rin yung 12, 2, 15 and 20 buksan na rin para matapos na. (naiirita na)

[At sunod sunod na ngang nabukas ang mga case ni Inday]

[nag-ring ang phone]

INDAY: Ahh Kris, to save more time can you tell Banker that I’m not interested in his first offer. In the history of this game of chance, I have yet to see someone accept a first offer from the banker. It’s quite pathetic and pretentious for contestants to pause and look around the audience as if asking for advice before ultimately rejecting the first offer. I mean come on, isn’t that a waste of airtime?

BANKER: Potahhh!!! [narinig sa set kahit sarado ang kwarto ni banker]

Ito ang unang pagkakataon na marinig ng mga audience ang boses ni banker sa Deal or no Deal.


EMail@JunkMail.COM # 24


Ito nga ba ang alamat kung bakit nagsisinungaling ang mga lalaki…?

Karpintero itong si Pedro at isang araw eh gumagawa siya ng isang bahay sa tabi ng ilog. Sa lakas ng pagmamartilyo niya eh nalaglag ang martilyo niya sa ilog.

Umiyak siya at lumitaw yung guardian angel niya, “Tutulungan kita, Pedro” Sabay lundag sa ilog. Lumabas ito na me hawak na gold hammer, “Ito ba ang martilyo mo?” … “Hindi po.” Lundag uli ang anghel at lumitaw na me silver hammer, “Ito ba?” … “Hindi po.” Lundag uli sa ilog ang anghel at lumitaw na me ordinary hammer, “Ito ba?” … “Opo!”

Natuwa ang anghel. “Dahil honest ka, bukod sa martilyo mo, sa ‘yo na rin ang gold and silver hammer!”

Makaraan ang ilang araw, naglalakad si Pedro sa ilog at kasama ang misis niya. Eh sa katangahan, nalaglag si misis sa ilog. Iyak si Pedro. Litaw si guardian angel. “Tutulungan kita.” Sabay lundag sa ilog at ng lumitaw eh kasama si Diana Zubiri. “Ito ba ang misis mo?” Sagot si Pedro, “Opo!” Nagalit si anghel, “Sinungaling ka. Akala ko pa naman eh mabait ka.”

Nag-reason-out si Pedro, “Sorry po, angel… kasi kapag sinabi kong ‘Hindi’, eh lulundag ka uli sa tubig at paglitaw mo eh kasama mo si Katrina Halili. At kapag sinabi ko uli na hindi siya ang asawa ko, eh lulundag ka uli at ang tunay na misis ko na ang kasama mo. At dahil sa kabaitan ko, eh ibibigay mo din sa akin sina Diana at Katrina. Mahirap lang po ako at hindi ko kaya ang me tatlong asawa, kaya ‘Yes’ na lang ang sinagot ko nung una.”

MORAL OF THE STORY: Kaya lang naman nagsisinungaling ang mga lalaki eh for a good and noble reason


EMail@JunkMail.COM # 23


GOT AN EMAIL ADDRESS?

A jobless man applied for the position of “office boy” at Microsoft. The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test.

"You are employed." He said. "Give me your e-mail address and I’ll send you the application to fill in, as well as the date when you may start."

The man replied “But I don’t have a computer, neither an email.”

"I’m sorry", said the HR manager, "If you don’t have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn’t exist, cannot have the job."

The man left with no hope at all. He didn’t know what to do with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10Kg tomato crate.

He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the Operation three times, and returned home with $60. The man realized that he can survive by this way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late, thus, his money doubled or tripled every day. Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.

5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US. He started to plan his family’s future, and decided to have a life insurance.

He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his email. The man replied, “I don’t have an email”. The broker answered curiously, “You don’t have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?!!”

The man thought for a while and replied, “Yes, I’d be an office boy at Microsoft!”

Moral of the story: (1) Internet is not the solution to your life. (2) If you don’t have internet, and work hard & smart, you can be a millionaire. (3) If you received this message by email, think hard, you could be closer to being an office boy, than a millionaire ……….


EMail@JunkMail.COM # 22


IS YOUR JAR FULL?

When things in your life seem almost to much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar……and the beer.

A Professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

So the Professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The Professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous “Yes.”

The Professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the Professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things - your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else - the small stuff.”

"If you put the sand into the jar first", he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

When he had finished, there was a profound silence. Then one of the students raised her hand and with a puzzled expression, inquired what the beer represented.

The Professor smiled. “I’m glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of beers.”


[NuKeD] EMail@JunkMail.COM # 21


I just learned that the MTRCB has just delivered its decision to suspend Willie’s noontime show Wowowee for 3 days. Why? Because apparently in one of the show’s production number, something not suitable for children occurred. One of the teen stars performing had, as Janet would call it, a “wardrobe malfunction” and something peeked out. I didn’t personally saw this on tv but from what I can see on the YouTube video of the event, her tube did kept falling. Probably becaue of the video quality, but I just can’t see what happened.